Just for Women
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Tired of all those dumb blonde jokes or hearing stories about how stupid and inept women are?
Below are some really funny quips that may hit men just a little below the belt.
Have fun ladies and please remember that although we may find these jokes funny,
men may not always share our sense of humor.
If you enjoy this page bookmark it and forward the URL to all your female friends.
If you have any favorite jokes you would like to share, I will be happy to include
them here, e-mail them to firstname.lastname@example.org
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and 'go to the fridge.
Q. What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brain power?
A. A widower
Q. Man says to God "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
A. God says "So you would love her"
Q. Man says "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"
A. God says "So she would love you"
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature
Q. How are men like coolers?
A. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Q. How are men like coffee?
A. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all nightlong.
Q. How are men like horoscopes?
A. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Q. How are men like plungers?
A. they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Q. How are men are like parking spots?
A. The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.
Q.What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
Q.Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A.They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A.We don't know, it's never happened.
Q. Why are men like tile floors?
A. If you lay 'em properly the first time you can walk all
over'em for years.
Q. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and goodlooking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends
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Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the
bathroom and cried. Wussy.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been
dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding
night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not
everything is about you! But, I have to admit ....
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. Sore as hell...
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna
do? I feel tacky all over...
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my
armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.
OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed...
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes
100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again,
I'm gonna kill him.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me.
I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid
of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to screw himself... he did. He must die.
Advantages to being a MAN
* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* Your orgasms are real. Always.
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Foreplay is optional.
* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
* Same work ... more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
* Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
* One mood, all the time.